Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
