the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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