are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
