She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
