Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
