im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
