Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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