He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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