HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
