Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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