Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
