Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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