the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
