Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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