I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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