Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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