Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
