i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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