he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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