I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Rumble strips road head = magical
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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