Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
