Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
