she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
