literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
