checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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