Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
