Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
