Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if only i could text you this smell
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
