Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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