I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
