Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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