Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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