I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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