Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
