Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
