Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
