JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize