I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's never too late to be topless.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
