Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
