3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
