My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
