I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
