Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
