I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
