I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
