she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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