Porn is love you can see.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Randomize
