When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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