You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
