If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
