my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
