Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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