Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
