My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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