u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
