Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
