Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
