life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
