I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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